Parenting
Families and Parent Coaching
Parents usually start out with high hopes for a close and loving family unit. However, this is truly a difficult day and age to be raising kids. Disrespect and conflict are modeled repeatedly on TV and in movies. Kids push the boundaries hard because that’s what they see, and because that’s how they learn which boundaries are whimpy, or moveable, and which boundaries are firm.
As parents, we want to avoid some of the pitfalls we encountered as children and teens, but at times see ourselves doing the very things we vowed we would never do. Furthermore, what works well with one child does not always work with another, and what worked in one parent’s family of origin does not always work well with a spouse and children in a different set of circumstances. Add to that any one of a number of complications posed by such things as the normal progression of developmental stages and occasional delays, neurochemical deficits, the complexities of step-parenting, social and academic difficulties, plus the hazzards of contemporary culture, and the result can be very difficult to navigate.
The good news is that most families are hardly ever thoroughly dysfunctional, even when it feels that way. More often than not, any given family functions well in many respects. Treatment often starts with finding out what is working well, and whenever possible building on some of those successful strategies in other areas. Beyond that, accurate assessment of which areas need the most help is a critical component of the work I do with parents. Parent coaching operates on the assumption that parents often possess a good bit of insight and many of the skills they need, and my job as therapist/coach is to help clarify the problem and work towards successful solutions.
Work with families might also include (1) empowering family members to communicate clearly and directly, (2) helping parents set and keep appropriate boundaries, and (3) helping parents clarify their positions and desired "lanes" on both the structure and nurture highways. In ways that fit family needs, I help parents figure out (a) how to avoid both the "rigidity" and the "absent" shoulders on either side of the structure highway, while steering clear of various potholes along the way; and (b) with respect to the nurture highway, how to avoid the "overinvolved" or "overpermissive" or "smothering" shoulder on the one hand, versus the "withholding" or "cold" or "absent" shoulder on the other hand, steering clear of a few potholes in between. Like driving a car, it’s complicated but not impossible, and after a while whatever adjustments you choose to make become second nature.
Time and again, the bottom line is that, in all likelihood, any given family functions well in many respects. I respect that. I hope to extend hope that whatever aspects of parenting "just do not work at all," for you, or seem only marginally "ok" can become good to very good with encouragement and practice.